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THE PRAYER OF A SKEPTIC...

I wish I can one day prove that what I smell when I'm peeling onions is the same as what you do smell. Unfortunately, I can't--although I can determine the "spectrophotometric fingerprint" of the volatile oils released while onions are being peeled.

How many times have I experienced what I cannot explain? Definitely not as many as the times in which I explained what I haven’t yet experienced; but, still, I find myself skeptical of each and every one of my deepest and probably 'truest' experiences.

Is it my programmed subconscious that talks inside me or it is the Holy Spirit that intercedes. How can I tell? Even when prayer pushes me to grow and works in me as the elders have described it, I drink this water and then question its purity! Shame on me! I even think that it was a mirage, a mere illusion.

But.. Lord, It always ends that I finally give in. How can I resist this absorbing power of yours: a relentless perseverant power that cannot be described, an amazing grace that must be described as “divine,” if this word ever has any meaning.
I end by giving in.
And then you open the doors that I have stubbornly blocked, and your innumerable graces submerge me. Again I forget to sample the water, to keep a ray of your light as “evidence” that You were there. Who cares?

Today I found out that I don’t ask. I found out that my friends don’t ask. I questioned some of them, and, to my surprise, they agreed that they have never really "prayed and not received. "Theirs and mine biggest problem is daring to ask. Who dares?

The silliest of excuses I use to avoid asking you and the same silliest of excuses I repeatedly heard from others. I wonder how can we afford cutting ourselves from the source, and I wonder how skillful and determined we are when killing ourselves.

I need to pray. I want to pray. I don’t want to think about the “validity” or “feasibility” or “reality” or “authenticity” or “theological-correctness” or “genuineness” of my experience. ENOUGH!

I’m thirsty while trying to analyze the water and assess its purity. Those whom I called “naïve”, “dumb” “borderline” or even “lucky” are drinking and drinking. They are bathing in the water that I’m testing.

So, while I’m finishing my analysis, how about a sip?
mmm..
A cup…
A bottle.
Ah!
- posted by R @ 12:23 AM